|
You know it will be a bad day when... your
four-year-old tells you it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
Always Remember ....
No matter what situations life throws at you...
no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..
Remember,
there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
Humor from Christian
Humorists
A
Congressman
was once asked about his attitude towards whiskey.
"If
you mean that demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, I'm against
it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts need funds
into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This
is my position, and I will not compromise"
A Senator is in a restaurant and the waiter brings over the rolls, but no butter. "May I have
some butter, please?" The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off. Ten minutes later, still no butter. The senator catches
his eye.
"May I have some butter, Please?"
Still the vaguest of responses, and after
ten more minutes, still no butter.
"Maybe
you don't know who I am," says the senator. "I'm a Princeton graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player
who played with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I'm currently a United States senator, chairman of the International
Debt Subcommittee of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural
Resources Committee, and a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee."
"Maybe
you don't know who I am," said the waiter. "I'm the guy who's in charge of the butter".
An older couple had a
son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future
career. So they decided to do a small test.
They
put a note on the front hall table that they had left. Around the note they put a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of
whiskey. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The
father told his wife, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a pastor, but
if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard."
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the
keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left.
Then
he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured
of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The
father slapped his forehead and said: "This is worse than I could ever have imagined!"
"What? asked the wife.
"Our
son is going to be a politician!"
Bill Clinton, Hillary
Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their
success stories about taxing Americans.
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone
very happy."
Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the
window and make me and Tipper happy."
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the
United States and world happy."
A
Brit, a
Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they
are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the
Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."
The President of the United States,
the Prime Minister of England, and the
Communist leader met and started discussing the dreams they had. The President of the U.S. said: "I dreamed that I was made President of the World."
The Prime Minister of England
announced: "I dreamed I was made Prime Minister of the World."
The
Communist leader cried: "That's funny. I have no recollection of appointing either of you!"
Two Washington
politicians had locked themselves out of their car, and unfortunately some important papers they needed for a meeting were
inside. "Let's use a coat hanger to pull up the lock," suggested the first.
"Oh,
no," argued the second. "Someone might see us and think we were trying to break in."
"Then we could use my pocketknife to cut away the rubber around the window and stick
our fingers through to pull up the lock."
"No,
no! People would think we're too stupid to know how to use a coat hanger to open cars."
"Well, we'd better do something fast. The top's down and it's starting to rain."
|
