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Words A Woman Will Not Ever Say:
"All right. I apologize for flaunting my dimpled thighs. But I thought their craterlike
formations were really artistic, and before I knew it, pride got the best of me."
Always Remember ....
No matter what situations life throws at you...
no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..
Remember,
there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
Humor from Christian
Humorists
A
large,
well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny
little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give
me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay,
see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the
lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down,"
said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You
mean the Sahara Desert,"
said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed
and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of
strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your
mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you
won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on,
old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris
reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A
nun who
works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was
a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the
station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully
told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient
she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to
fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled
it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As
she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is
what I call faith!"
A
man named
Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he
grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down
for more than a thousand feet.
He couldn't
hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling
for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.
HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"
He
yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"
"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"
"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"
"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?
"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."
"The Lord? You mean, GOD?"
"That's
Me."
"God, please help me! I promise if,
you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."
"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk."
"Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."
"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."
"Okay. Let go of the branch." "What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me.
Let go."
There was a long silence.
Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"
For the umpteenth time
Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your
church."
"Yes, yes, my child," replied the
pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith
- the Lord will watch over you."
"Oh yes,
he has kept me safe thus far, only....."
"Only
what, my child?"
"Well, now he says if I
keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"
"Well,
now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."
A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat
down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose
living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very
sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I
don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
A
drunk phoned
the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However,
before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
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